My boyfriend and I recently split up after being with each other for almost 3 years. I barely remember my life before him. I spent every minute of every day with him, ultimately we were so in love, there were very big problems too, he was abusive to me but stupidly and accidentally I was in love with him. I was always fiercely loyal and faithful to him, I thought he was my one love. I never looked at any other man, in my mind he was the only one for me. I genuinely, hand on heart never wanted anyone else.
After eventually breaking up, I felt that I needed to get 'out there', I didn't want to lock myself away and cry in my room. For some reason I felt that that was the 'natural' thing to do after a breakup. I downloaded tinder and enjoyed swiping through guys profiles and messaging a few of them...for a couple of days. Then the familiar 'Hey how are you?' became too monotonous and predictable for me and like every other fad, the novelty was quick to wear off. I met a guy on a night out with my friend and we started chatting, we arranged to meet up for a drink. I wasn't nervous at all for the date, all I could think about was my ex-boyfriend and how I had an overpowering feeling that I was betraying him. All I wanted was to see him and tell him how I felt and how I didn't want anyone else, just him, despite everything he'd done to me. I felt that by going on the date, it officially meant that I was moving on and that's when I realised that I didn't want to.
In my head I knew these feelings were stupid, there was nothing between us anymore, he'd made that very clear that it was what he wanted, so why did I still feel that way? I fought those feelings and went ahead with the date, desperately trying to ignore how much my heart was hurting. We arranged a second date and it was after that that it really got too much for me. It really overwhelmed me, it felt like way too much too soon. I'd literally just come out of a relationship that, in all honesty, I was still in the process of getting over, the last thing I wanted was to jump straight into another, I thought we could just take it slowly but this guy virtually confessed his love.... I just wanted to feel free and be able to get to know this guy, but I think he wanted to get serious pretty quickly. I thought that by going on a date it would make me feel better, I thought it would be a quick-fix heart break cure to take away all the pain, skip the sad, grieving stage and go straight to the 'over it' stage...but no, it made me feel more suffocated than ever. To be honest, it's kind of a good thing because it also made me realise that I need to be on my own for a bit and I am so happy with that!
I came home and cried my eyes out. I had an overwhelming feeling that I had cheated on my boyfriend, who wasn't even my boyfriend anymore...and I hadn't even done anything!!? I should have felt free and happy that I'd escaped an abusive relationship and was now able to live my life how I wanted but instead I was still attached to him, it felt like the cord still hadn't been cut. Like we were still connected, I still had a duty to him. I guess that's how it's been for three years so it's going to take time to come to terms with this now.